www.nowayinhell.com

As the 2001 Hurricane Season winds down, a collection of Rhode Island’s heaviest locals are already gearing up for next year’s tropical onslaught. Craig Knowles, Mike Sweeny, Eddie Burke, and Nick Kirby brainstormed ways to alleviate the lengthy half-hour trip needed to check the surf at Tuckerman’s. For easier access, the group installed the 24-hour, real-time Tuckerman’s Surf Cam. Now everybody including locals, outsiders, journalists, photographers, bodyboarders, skimboarders, hippies, spring breakers, construction workers, and miniature golfers can find out when Tuck’s is bombing. Just log onto www.nowayinhell.com to see for yourself.

Renovation Project, Portland Maine

•Up in Ogunquit, ME, Steve Watson is fed up with people calling him “Surfer Crow.” Watson, who was nominated Kingpin of Ogunquit Rivermouth, told ESM that the longstanding nickname isn’t even correct, and the whole mix-up occurred years ago during a horrible hairlip encounter. Steve asks that peoplecease addressing him as Surfer Crow and use his given name “Surfer Cow.”

•In more Maine news, Portland surfer and owner of Moose County Music Dana Trumann received the city’s “Most Amazing Ass” award. Trumann gained the accolade for his naturally tan and hairless caboose, beating over 200 entrants with his booty beauty, ranked by categories including firmness, width, loft, and overall spankability. To further honor Trumann’s superior posterior, Portland City Councilalso approved a $500,000 renovation project to rebuild the town’s water tower to look like his butt and organized an commemorative surf contest for Dana called the Portland Ass Masters.

•Tony Caramanico is considered one of Eastern Long Island’s most prominent surfers, but an incredible discovery may prove he’s much more than that. Throngs of Christians flocked to Tony’s East End home this August to witness what religious experts are calling the “Miracle in Montauk”: the Virgin Mary’s saintly visage in melted wax on his favorite longboard. After mistakingly leaving his trusty 9’ x 6” deck-up in the brutal New York sun, the Blessed Mother’s holy face appeared in the remaining chunks of Sticky Bumps near the board’s nose. Church officials are baffled over the connection between religion and surfing, but Caramanico understands the Lord’s message. “This finally proves,” said Tony, “that I’m truly the chosen one.”

“Miracle in Montauk”

•In related unholy news from Narragansett, RI, it’s been reported that a bar of wax melted in Peter Pan’s car and formed a perfect replica of Satan on a slug. Interestingly, the tiny blob of Lucifer-likened paraffin bore an eerie resemblance to the mystery man known as El Diablo, who was spotted at the 2001 Quiksilver King of the Peak. No word from the Vatican as of yet, but ESM vows to solve this devil of a mystery in coming months.

•In another dark Rhode Island revelation, witnesses spotted surfing hellman Sid Abruzzi beer-bonging Listerine and huffing Summer’s Eve with actor Ben Affleck and Backstreet Boy AJ McLean just days before the two checked themselves into rehab. Abruzzi has been condemned in the Newport press for pushing the stars “over the edge” with this shameless abuse of personal hygiene products. Sid is neither confirmingnor denying the reports and says he can’t remember anything from the night except that AJ “really sucked at karaoke.”

First Annual Unsound Hairshow

•Several months ago, Dave Cropper of Hampton, NH’s, Cinnamon Rainbows moved his shop to a larger building, adding on a shaping bay, outdoor showers, a big-screen TV, and a pinball machine to the new location. After those initial renovations, Cropper finished the final phase of construction this September, installing a pony ride, an archery range, anda ferris wheel.

•In New York environmental news, Surfrider NYC finished its annual beach cleanup inSeptember, and the organization is extremely pleased with the results.Chapter President Robert Bailey reported that the number of used syringes fell from ten per square foot down to a record low of four, soiled tampons dropped from 652 to 243, and the most surprise decrease in shoreline trash occurred in the total number of used colostomy bags which is down a whopping 47%, falling from 350 to 186.

•Also reporting from New York, Mike Nelson and Dave Juan have added a new specialty event to this year’s Unsound Pro in Long Beach. Already boasting a progressive pro competition, the shop owners initiated the first annual Unsound Hairshow to reward surfers with the most stylish locks. The event’s final heat saw three competitors go head-to-head to claim the dominant do. New York’s Flip Bellinzoni brushed by the others to snag third for his Hare Krishna top knot ponytail; Florida’s Phillip Watters greased the competition to take second with his newly acquired Jeri Curl (see SE Blahs); and out of nowhere, South Jersey supergrom and hair apparent Jon Kemenosh clipped the stacked heat and took the win with his Bride of Frankenstein boufant.

•Earlier this year, Massachusetts’ Hard Corps surf shop went out of business and infamous owner Cory Wells disappeared completely from the surf industry’s radar. But in September, Eastern Surf’s super sleuth editors tracked down the elusive Wells and cracked one of the nation’s biggest scandals. Although former Washington intern Chandra Levy had been missing for many months, ESM found the young woman very much alive and shacked up with Cory in a small Boston apartment. The two maintained their secret relationship for months until Levy broke it off after Cory’s penchant for wearing his dank wetsuit booties and lobster claw gloves during lovemaking became too much to bear. Chandra remarked, “I could put up with him disappearing for hours on end to surf and the cold water shrinkage, but those smelly gloves and rank boots make interning in Washington seem downright appealing.” Compiled by Chris Towery.

Bubba’s BBQ sponsored Lighthouse

Shocking Coverup!

Is nothing sacred on the hallowed hollows of the Outer Banks? After the multi-million dollar move and restoration of the Buxton Lighthouse, Cape Hatteras National Seashore is seeking unique, new ways to increase park revenues. Sadly, the first fundraising venture tarnishes the sanctity of the Right Coast’s most recognizable surf monument as park officials voted to lease the 208-foot striped beacon as oceanfront advertising space. According to National Seashore administrators, the first company to occupy the prime location is popular local eatery Bubba’s BBQ. In a new promotional campaign, the hometown hash house bought out Subway weight-loss icon Jared Fogle by offering him $50,000 to eat nothing but a plate of ribs at each meal everyday for a year. To compliment the fat boy’s monstrous marketing magnetism, the company plans to remodel the lighthouse to resemble a towering reproduction of one of their succulent spareribs.

•In other Bubba’s news, a summer-long ESM editorial investigation unveiled a shocking coverup: Bubba Schauer, the business’s founder who was believed deceased, is actually alive and living in Kill Devil Hills, NC. Apparently, the barbeque boss faked his own death to pursue a career as a professional surf photographer under the alias Mickey McCarthy.

•In Ocean City, MD, a complex scientific study undertaken by Chris Shanahan and the K-Coast team found that participants in surf contests perform better when they are sober. Unfortunately, following the discovery, the entire squad quit.

•In more team performance news, Delaware’s Harry Wilson, owner of Dewey Surf and Sport, told ESM his amateur crew’s secret formula for contest success: dropping hits of Viagra before heats. Harry said that in addition to increasing virility, the little blue wonder pill also helps Dewey teamers outside the bedroom by enabling them to surf their heats harder and blast more copious loads of spray.

Tom Dugan for Fat Bastard Funshapes says: "I am one with the board."

•On the marriage front, New Jersey’s Adam Holloway eloped to Las Vegas, NV, in August with longtime sweetheart Mardi Engel. The two were married in a small drive-thru chapel and stayed their wedding night in the MGM Grand before a two-week honeymoon in Fiji. Unfortunately, while celebrating their union in the hotel’s casino, Adam got so plastered on free wine coolers, he blew the couple’s entire vacation budget at the roulette wheel. “Damn things are rigged,” Holloway complained. “We were going to Tavarua, but now it looks like we’re stuck at Fisherman’s Cove for a few Natural Lights with the boys.”

•In other Jersey gossip, Soul in the Hole surf shop in Sea Isle City faces a massive $250,000 NAACP lawsuit charging that the store’s name is racist and mocks African-Americans with its blatant sexual reference.

•To help combat the mainstream media’s slow-witted surfer and skater stereotypes, Fayetteville, NC’s, Duh Skate Shop organized the first in a series of Summer Grammar Camps. The initial weekend workshops for boardriders aged 10 to 25 will be held October 20-21 in Wrightsville Beach and will feature clinics in the ABC’s; vowel/ consonant identification; and avoidance of wordssuch as “sick,” “dude,” and “gnarly.”

Noah Snyder says:"How Do?"

•In other North Carolina news, Christian surfing company Foundnation is undergoing a total reorganization after Billy Graham declared surfing a sin in late September. The legendary minister harshly condemned the sport for its prurient sexual nature, stating that surfboards are blatant phallic symbols which are coated with the equally profane Sex Wax. Foundnation representatives Noah Snyder, Nic McLean, and the Beacham brothers were up in arms over the ruling and unanimously voted to switch the business’ faith-affiliation. Shortly after Graham’s decree, the Kill Devils Hills locals were seen sporting full beards and paddling hand-carved wood boards bearing Amishnation logos.

•With several body-type specific surfboard designs already on the market like the popular “big guy” shortboards, New Jersey Time Bomb shaper Vinnie “Chenzo “ Yacavino takes the idea one step further with his new Fat Bastard Funshapes. The boards are designed especially for overweight waveriders whose sagging fat rolls and beefy man titties cause normal models to bog down, sink, and even buckle. All Fat Bastard shapes are built with three self-sealing, waterproof bulkheads and employ multiple steel stringers for industrial-strength support. ESM is proud to announce that our very own Tom Dugan was one of the first surfers picked for the Fat Bastard team. The new contract rounds out Tom’s already impressive collection of sponsors including Kool Cigarettes, Trojan Micros, Jennajameson.com, and Lubriderm Hand Lotion.

•Tony Butler at Sweetwater Surf Shop in Wrightsville Beach, NC, told ESM that teamrider Mark Hunt kicked some serious ass in the tenth annual Wilmington Tractor Pull Championships this August. Mark, a skilled amateur stock car racer and mechanic, suped up his custom John Deere tractor into what he describes as “one fast sumbitch.” Using a secret fuel mixture containing a gallon of his Uncle Jesse’s moonshine anda pound of Deep South Grits, Mark’s fired-up farm machine plowed through the competition and snagged him the first place prize—a Holly Supercharged Carburetor and 40 cases of Skoal chewing tobacco. Compiled by Chris Towery.

Phillip Watters says: "Yo, Waz Up?"

Fartmander and Turdmonger

Following a slew of minor shark bites this summer, Volusia County, FL, witnessed its first serious mauling in September. Surfing New Smyrna Inlet, local grom and Orion teamrider Eric Geiselman was viciously attacked by an eight-foot bull shark. “I felt this intense pressure on my butt,” said Eric. “At first I thought it was one of my friends messing around, but when it started thrashing back and forth, I knew I was in trouble.” The hungry predator completely tore off his left buttock, but heroically, Eric’s uncle David wrestled the shark to shore where a park ranger killed the monster with his gun. His uncle then reached inside the creature’s razor-sharp maw and retrieved Eric’s severed rump. Miraculously, doctors reattached the buttock and the grom is expected to fully recover. Area beaches remain open, prompting Sheriff Ben Johnson to issue this warning: “If you’re going to surf in these waters, you better watch your ass.”

•Indialantic, FL’s, Phillip Watters, who shocked the surf community with his corn rows, took his love of hip-hop to a new extreme, sporting the ultimate homeboy headdressing: the Jeri Curl. Phillip’s new oil-sheened style also prompted an injection of African-American products into the Right Coast surf industry as Watters picked up sponsorship deals with both Soul Glow Curl Activator and Colt 45 Malt Liquor.

•Inspired by Sebastian Inlet’s Doctors Lawyers Weekend Warriors Surf Festival, Tybee Island, GA’s, Bill Sabo organized the first annual Janitors Plumbers Beach Bummers Charity Surf Ho-Down scheduled for December 7th-9th at Tybee Island Pier. Sabo, who’s training to be a Port-O-Potty technician, reports that all proceeds will aid aging Georgia surf stars in finding new careers once that final photo incentive check is cashed. Any surfer with experience in the custodial arts is welcome to compete.

•In other Georgia news, Tybee Island’s Jeff Moseley, Travis Williams, and Jesse Palmer returned from a summertime California surf exploration where Williams almost fell victim to a tragic anal violation. Surfing a secret spot near San Francisco, the boys were overcome with terror and disgust when an amorous elephant seal burst from the water and attempted to mount Travis. The blubbery beast made several stabs at William’s unwilling rectum, but thankfully, the surfer’s thick wetsuit saved his tender be-hymen. William’s was spared major injury, but the shocking attack left him with some large bruises and a new loathing for west coast waters. “California’s so screwed up,” said Travis, “even the seals are gay.”

•On the grom front, eight-year-old Blake Hobbes of Folly Beach, SC, picked up full sponsorship with Pokemon. Currently suffering a decline in sales, the popular children’s trading card game jumped on board the extreme sports bandwagon and released its first “hardcore” Silver Surf Rat Edition to give the company an edgier vibe. As part of his contract, Blake’s board lams will not only include old characters like Pikachu and Jigglepuff but also the new Fartmander, Brobrah, and Turdmonger.

Hunter Joslin says: "WEEEE!"

•Longtime mag source Tim McKevlin told ESM he spotted elderly South Carolina lawmaker Strom Thurmond catching a few waves at The Washout early this fall. The crusty Thurmond, who occasionally enters local ESA contests in the Greatgrandmasters division, is a Folly Beach heavy and honorary member of the McKevlin’s Surf Shop team. Also seen at the beach with Thurmond was former North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms, who enjoyed the first days of retirement with a little sun, sand, and surf. Helms has yet to try waveriding, but confides that the sport is a “decent moral pastime for its lack of homosexuals and blacks.”

Bill Hartley says: "Firewalking relaxes my body and mind."

•Surfboard manufacturing wizard Greg Loehr announced his latest material innovation with a new line of boards—Silly Sticks—shaped entirely of Silly Putty. Using the popular toy, Loehr molds and planes large putty blanks into high-performance shortboards, fish, and longboards. The finished designs are stronger and lighter than both fiberglass and epoxy, bounce off rocks, and easily regain their shape when dinged. In addition, surfers can transfer art to Greg’s boards by placing them on top of their favorite newspaper comic and applying pressure. Best of all, if you need a new shape, bring it back to Loehr, and for a nominal $48, he’ll roll it into a big ball and make you another one.

•In other surf design news, Melbourne Beach, FL’s, Hunter Joslin, developer of the Indo Board, released a new line of waveriding simulators in early October. With both shortboard and longboard designs already available for the Indo, Joslin jumped fins-first into the sponge market with the Spindo Board Bodyboard Trainer. The Spindo Board utilizes a custom-designed, hard-bottomed bodyboard fit atop a large, reconfigured roller. Joslin was so blown away by the Spindo’s progressive maneuverability, he reportedly gave up stand-up surfing for good and bought himself an entire quiver of sponges.

•With professional surfers like Bill Hartley, CJ Hobgood, and Danny Melhado studying the ancient art of yoga, several other Eastern spiritual practices are gaining acceptance among Southeast waveriders. In order to capitalize on this trend, Melbourne Beach, FL, surfer/ yoga teacher Brenda Fried added new classes in firewalking, snake charming, and sword swallowing to her regular instruction. In addition, Brenda will rep Roxy’s new line of prayer mats and Powerade’s latest yak-milk coolers.

•Six-time World Champ Kelly Slater finally revealed to ESM the secret behind his unstoppable contest surfing ability with the following disclosure: “I polish the bishop three times before each heat,” said Kelly. “Once to focus, once for luck, and once for... well, just ‘cause it feels so damn good.” Compiled by Chris Towery.